Night
by bethanyanne
Summary: What happened the last night before Ziva returned to Israel and Tony was to begin his Agent Afloat duties. First person through Tony's eyes. Read and Review Please.
1. Chapter 1

**Summary:**

_ She used to call me three or four times a week just to chat. See how things were going, or out of the blue to hang out. Then nothing, no phone calls; no showing up. Nothing changed; nothing drastic at least. Life went on, normally enough for me, except that the calls stopped. Days turned to weeks, weeks to months and months to years. Oh we still saw each other every single day, and the conversations remained nearly intact, but there was no justifiable reason for the change. I didn't pursue it either. I had no reason too._

_ Then the "mission" happened. The phone calls started up again, more annoyingly so; the guise of wanting to make sure everything was okay. The sheer audacity of checking up to see what I was doing. Well that went to shit, quickly, or quicker then I had hoped. But we were back to our old selves for a while. Well the phone calls, the dropping by. But now this cloud hung over us. Like something had changed, but everything was exactly the same. Then LA, and Jenny dying, and that asshole breaking up the team; that night, the night before I was to ship out for "Agent Afloat" duty, the night before she was to return to "Daddy", that night was when I found out why things had changed two years previously. That night, she came over and told me everything._

**NIGHT **

Chapter One

It ended a week of holy shit did we really screw up that badly. Yeah we did, evident enough when "he" took over, and shipped us all out. It was our team, it was our responsibility, and it was us who screwed the pooch. I was packing my bags. Subletting my apartment, preparing for a lifetime aboard a carrier; not what I signed up for. I almost didn't hear the knock on the door. It was light enough that it didn't even seem real at first. I just basically ignored it. Then it sounded a little louder. It had to be the Neilsons' the family, the husband and wife that were moving into my home while I was somewhere in the south pacific. It wasn't though, it was her. God she was so beautiful, I almost forgot what it was like to spend time with her outside of work, in her blue jeans, with her hair down, with her guard down. It had been two years, aside from that brief moment of insanity in LA, at the pool when she let her guard down, those pictures. I definitely had to get copies of those pictures from McGee before setting sail as it were.

"Hey." Was the brilliant remark I could think up when I answered the door. For looking absolutely stunning through the peep hole on the other side it was completely different. Her eyes were red and puffy. Swollen from hours of crying, that was too be expected after all we went through lately.

"Hey." Was her brilliant response, followed by holding up a six pack of my favorite beer. I moved out of the doorway to let her in. Not sure though that drinking right now with this woman was my best bet for a safe secure future. I could only imagine what would happen if the boss found out.

The beer was opened; one after another we downed them in somewhat silence. Part of me wondered when we would get around to talking about the elephant in the room. The other part of me was just enjoying this, one last time. I doubted seriously that we would be back in the same country again and somehow figured that if we were it would probably be her country. Somehow I doubted, "daddy" would like very much the idea of his daughter consorting with a genteel.

"I am sorry." She said, to me. To me, like she was to blame for any of this shit. We had moved to the minimal comfort of my living room. I was subletting the place fully furnished to a newlywed couple. I kind of wondered, what would be come of this sofa, but the thought was merely fleeting as I began to wonder what she was apologizing for.

"For Jenny?"

"No. Well yes, for Jenny, and for staying away so long. I just couldn't bring myself to come over any more."

"Why?"

It was a question that I had pondered asking her only about a million times in the last two years. At first I went over everything, every detail of that last night she was over. I even watched the movie again, it was one she picked out, there was no gratuitous sex, no religious references that she could have been either embarrassed or offended by, and she had picked the movie out. I thought did I stand to close, linger too long, look at her the wrong way. Did I wear the wrong kind of cologne, all thoughts that should go through the mind of a girl maybe? Definitely not things a guy would be thinking, but without realizing it she had ripped out my heart that night, and taken away from me the one thing I had never had before a best friend. So this question was of pivotal, to our friendship, and too my eventual return to sanity.

"Now you understand." She said, her voice still quivering. I was on the other hand speechless. For the first time ever in my life, I might add. Speechlessness wasn't the answer though; I needed to say something to her. Something that would make her see that I was understanding. The beer had all but been consumed though, and things that should never have been said had been spoken, and yes the likelihood that we would ever see one another again was remote, but this was Ziva, this wasn't a one night stand. I wouldn't do that too her, I couldn't do that too her.

All these thoughts were bombarding my mind as I leaned forward, our lips touching for the first time for real. Oh there was that crazy ass mission assignment whatever where we had to pretend to be married, that was for show and tell. This was just the two of us, alone and vulnerable in my apartment. Drunk on beer and when that ran out whiskey sours.

As our tongues battled for dominance and our hands touched anything and everything, I made probably the seconded most un-wisest decision that night. That I would make love to my closest and best friend, my former partner, and then I would board the ship tomorrow and forget it ever happened. Because we would never be working together again, let alone ever lay eyes on each other. Telling her that this wasn't just sex, telling her that this had nothing to do with feeling something in the wake of Jenny's death, in fact saying anything about the fact that I was madly in love with this woman would be ridiculously stupid. After all I was a genteel; nothing would ever come of this.

Somehow in our drunken state we made it from the minimalistic comfort of my living room, to the sound comfort of my bed room. Did I feel bad about taking advantage of a drunken Ziva? I don't know; remember I couldn't remember anything about that evening. Not the way she felt under me, not the way she felt on top of me, not the way she screamed my name, or even how those claw marks came to be on my back.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N **Thank you for the reviews. This is a quickie update, I had some thoughts I wanted to get out there before Christmas, and I will attempt to make another update before New Years. I am not sure what everyone will think of the reason (Ziva's for not going around Tony during the off time), if you have issues with it please please tell me, I have been a fan of the show for a long time, but I haven't seen every episode from the third and fourth seasons, so I am not sure that I might have missed something, or made errors in some way. I would also like to note, spoilers for the finale from season 5, premier of season 6 and possibly other spoilers, sorry for not mentioning that in my first chapter, and I love this show but if I owned it Tony and Ziva would have hooked up already there definitely would never have been a Michael or Jeanne, cause those two yeah they just suck (I know hush and let us read the real story.) R&R, thanks Bethany...

_Chapter 2_

She was gone when I woke up the next morning. The only evidence that she had been there at all was the empty beer bottles still sitting on my coffee table. I threw the empties away and hopped into the shower, wondering how I was going to face her across the squad room today, half way through my shower though I realized that I wasn't going to see her today or ever again for that matter.

Getting out I toweled off, looked at my bags by the door it hit me, through the haze of the hangover. I flipped my phone open.

"McGee. Where you at?" I yelled into the phone.

"The coffee house consoling Abby."

"Good wait there, wait why are you consoling Abby?"

"She said that she wanted to hang out last night with Ziva since this was Ziva's last night, and she was told that Ziva has someone else to see. Can you believe she wouldn't tell Abby who."

"Yeah that sucks. Okay I'll be there shortly so say good bye. You got those pictures for me?"

"You realize that she will kill me if she finds out."

"Probie she is gone, all the way back in Tel Aviv she will never find out." I smiled to myself thinking about the previous night. "Besides that, if she finds out I will take full blame ok."

"Yeah I got them; you just better make sure she never finds out."

"Don't worry Probie, look, I have about twenty minutes before I need to shove off so I am heading your way now. Warn Abby that I only have twenty minutes okay."

Thirty-five minutes later, I was finally peeling Abby off of me and heading to my car. It's a good thing I told them twenty minutes. I still had fifteen to stop by HQ and say good bye to the boss man. Then I really had to shove off.

I pulled my car into my typical parking spot. My heart caught in my throat for a moment, when I saw her cat in her spot. Where else would it be, she probably left it there when she left for Israel. I had to get my head back into check, if I saw the boss with my thoughts were they were right now it was almost a guaranteed head slap.

"DiNozzo, what are you doing here?" Gibbs asked. I was still standing by my car, unfortunately staring at hers.

"Uh, I uh, I just came to say good bye." I finally sputtered out, and then prepared myself for that eventual head slap. None came.

"Well, good bye, Tony." Gibbs said.

"Fix this boss." I said, I felt like I was a whinny little kid. But this wasn't right. Vance had no right to tear us apart like this. Then again if I wasn't leaving and she wasn't leaving, then what happened last night might never have happened.

"I am doing whatever I can." Gibbs said.

I knew he could see it on my face. Hell he could probably smell her on me still even with the shower. He didn't say anything, he didn't head slap me, he just gave me a sad look and turned walking out of the parking garage, towards the stairs that would take him to my old squad room. I couldn't bring myself to see someone else sitting at her desk, let alone someone else sitting at my desk so I got back in my car and left. I ought to just head to the base now, I would be meeting flying out to meet the USS Ronald Reagan from Oceana NAS.

The flight out was the usual for flights out to carriers. Except this time I knew that I wouldn't be going back any time soon. During the flight I finally allowed myself a moment to think about what happened right before Ziva spilled her guts to me last night. The moments leading up to it, right after she said she was sorry.

"_I am sorry." She said, to me. To me, like she was to blame for any of this shit. We had moved to the minimal comfort of my living room. I was subletting the place fully furnished to a newlywed couple. I kind of wondered, what would be come of this sofa, but the thought was merely fleeting as I began to wonder what she was apologizing for._

_"For Jenny?"_

_"No. Well yes, for Jenny, and for staying away so long. I just couldn't bring myself to come over any more."_

_"Why?"_

_"Because I knew that coming over would only put your life in danger. The Mossad, and by that I mean my father. He does not care that I work for you, he understands that my feelings for you have always ran deeper, however, he doesn't care that I work with you. But socializing outside of work." She paused there, and looked down at her hands. "That night when I got home, he called. He told me he knew about my time outside of work with you. He said that he would see to it I was returned to Israel, that I would never set foot on U.S. soil again, he said that he would make sure I would never lay eyes on you again, if I continued this behavior. Tony, I know I hurt you, but I couldn't live with not seeing you anymore, even if all I ever saw you was at work, that was better than the alternative." _

I didn't care who he was, or who he thought he was, to threaten her. Was this his follow through? Did he think that time in LA was her idea. That moment by the pool when I snapped those pictures, was there someone there who saw us and reported back to Eli, and that's why the team was ripped to shreds. Did I cause this?

_"I don't understand, why does he care about whom you spend time with outside of work?"_

_"Tony, it's not who I spend time with outside of work that worries him. It's who I might fall in love with. It's who I might want to spend the rest of my life with. It's who I might want to father my children, his grandchildren that bothers him… Now you understand." Her voice still quivering._

Maybe I didn't understand, it dawned on me too late. I wanted to kiss her, I don't know why. But now thinking about it, did she tell me last night before I took advantage of a hurt drunk Ziva that I was the man whom she wanted to have children with?


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N**Hey I am going to try with Chapter 3 to move us forward in leaps and bounds from the when DiNozzo first became an Agent Afloat, and briefly describe a couple things that happened while he was gone, but this also mentions the episodes "Agent Afloat" and "Nine Lives" and "Knockout" though since I think this story is alot of DiNozzo remembering what happened, that we might go back and fill in some more in a later Chapter. Please keep reading, and reviewing, thoughts, criticisms and ideas are always welcome.

_Chapter 3_

The first few weeks ship board; I just tried to keep up with it all. You are the only sheriff in town of five thousand; it's a lot of work. I didn't have time to breathe let alone stop and think about what had happened. Around week six then is when I came across it. I finally had a moment to myself; I was putting up the pictures. Now stationed aboard the USS Seahawk, when I found the tiniest scrap of paper in the bottom of my shoulder bag, in her handwriting _Call me, so we can talk about this; _was all she wrote. Six weeks ago this would have been nice to see. Now I felt like a heel for not calling her for so long. I should have called before I ever left stateside. Now getting a chance to call would be nearly impossible. Do you e-mail the woman you love and say _hey about that night, it was great, and I can't wait to do you again. _

"Ziva, its' Tony." I said somewhat dumbly when I heard the click of her phone picking up.

"Agent DiNozzo, this isn't Ziva." Came the gruff male response.

Shit, he would have her calls monitored. Any calls from me, or NCIS patched directly through to his private line.

"I was trying to reach Ziva."

"Why?"

"There is something that I need to discuss with her." I said, trying to keep the annoyed tone out of my voice. What did it matter to him what I needed to discuss with her.

"She is not available to you Agent DiNozzo."

"I will just try back later." I said.

"You do not understand. What occurred that last night she was in your country. It will never happen again. She is not available to you."

"What are you trying to say?" Now I was annoyed.

"If you love my Daughter as you claim to Agent DiNozzo, you will let her be; your pursuit of her will only cause her death." Eli David said.

After he hung up I waited for awhile, thought of trying to call her again, actually I waited a whole week, and then I tried her again, at a time when I figured he wouldn't be able to pick up on the call. It went straight to her voice mail, six more calls, all to voice mail, I left six messages. Then figured at six she either wasn't checking her messages, or had no desire to call me back.

Hell I probably wouldn't have given up so easily, except when I went to make the seventh call it rang through to Eli again.

"You don't seem to get it Agent DiNozzo. Unless you really want to be Agent Afloat for the rest of your miserable existence I suggest you stop calling my daughter." He told me before I even had a chance to say hello.

I didn't give up calling her because I was worried that I would agent afloat forever. My career meant nothing to me. I stopped calling because I knew that he would never let her talk to me. I just had to figure out another way to let her know she wasn't just a one night stand to me.

Of course all of that would change, that day in Cartegena. I didn't realize, or perhaps, I didn't expect to see her again so soon. But there she was with her hair down, looking gorgeous. I couldn't say anything then, couldn't even think anything about it, with Gibbs so close by. So I made off with my witty comments, stuff he would be expecting stuff she would be expecting, and held my tongue when she said I could have called. My suspicions where automatically confirmed then. He didn't tell her about the times we talked, and somehow he made sure that she didn't receive any of the half dozen messages I left on her voice mail. That left saying something now, over four months later, and having either her reject me, or worse yet, Gibbs find out. There was rule #12 after all to worry about.

So we got back to DC, I got my job back. Take that Eli David, I am in fact not going to spend the rest of my miserable existence as an agent afloat. I would however more then likely be miserable for the rest of my existence.

Ever have something very important to say to someone, I mean the most important thing in the world you would have to say to another person. Then days turn to weeks, and weeks to months, and you still haven't said those things. It didn't matter that our relationship, um excuse me our professional relationship was now becoming strained, to the trained eye. I still could not begin to tell her what I felt, or how I was thinking, or is that what I was thinking and how I felt. Either way it did not matter. It did not matter when she returned to Israel to see whomever it was that she met when she left me that night, whomever she had developed a relationship with over there during our time apart.

I tried, when it became evident that we would not be discussing the Elephant in the room, I tried, I went out all the time. I could look at a woman and she would be taking her clothes off. It was me who couldn't seal the deal. I would have a girl begging me to come up to her apartment, and I would freeze, I felt like I was cheating on her. When she returned to Israel, when she decided there would be someone else in her life, other then me. I tried to move on, then it became the opposite, I wasn't able to get a girl to go anywhere with me. It was just like I told Tara in the elevator. I was talking about my feelings, about ex girlfriends and yes to one of them, one of the first girls, I actually talked about Ziva, but only that one time. Although I am pretty sure that Tara knew, especially when we were sitting in the conference room and I jumped up to introduce them. God the last thing I wanted was for Ziva to think that I was interested in or talking to Tara about anything remotely sexual. God when did I turn into such a girl about these things? I know it happened before that night.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N**: Okay so I am trying to wrap up season six in a nice little bow, and move into season 7, the problem with this is the only way I get to watch new episodes is on and well my computer freezes up alot, so if I messed anything up please forgive me, and also anyone who hears or see's anything about the Jan 26th episode before Jan 27th when I can watch it, if it will make a TIVA fan happy... please pretty please e-mail me (no details just say, watch the ep as soon as possible). Okay, other then that major spoilers for **ICE Alliyah and Truth or Consequences**, once again if you would be so kind as to review, perhaps it won't take me till february to write the next chapter LOL. Thanks for everyone who's read so far, and hopefully this chapter will be as good as the last, it was kind of rushed I will admit with the Holiday and all, but I really felt like I needed to get something posted and soon. Thanks Bethany

_Chapter 4_

_Pick the right woman, _the doors opened to Ziva and my heart stopped, is there any way she didn't think that Tara was coming on to me. Better than that, is there anyway Tara didn't know that I had already known that Ziva was the right woman, and how to explain to this "young lady" that Ziva and I could never be. I knew her father had threatened her. Hell he had threatened me several times over the phone, and in a way that made me believe he had the power to do something about it, but the threat that meant the most, the one that really stuck with me was when he said that my loving his daughter put her in danger. There is no way, there is nothing in this world that would allow me to cause her pain, I couldn't do it. I could not risk her life that way.

Of course there was also that half naked man, the picture I found on her desk a few weeks back. The man she flew back to Tel Aviv to see. Walking into the squad room every day; seeing her there, I wanted so bad to tell her, screw Daddy and what he thought. We could make this work. This wasn't just a passing fancy either. In the car on the way back from Stillwater, things seemed almost normal between us, well as normal as it could be with McGee and Abby in the back seat. Of course that was the slip of a lip in the basement when we were investigating the drug dealer that was murdered by that scum bag Rick Azari. When I slipped up and called her my little ninja, I thought I saw a glimpse of something in her eye.

Then in the elevator with Tara when she asked how long the dry spell had been, was I supposed to tell this woman, who had a questionable relationship with my boss that the last time had been with my darkly hot partner. That night flashed back in my mind, as I laid the blame solely on Jeanne, Jeanne whom I never loved, but it was easier being with her, easier then admitting that the one person I truly wanted to be with I could never have.

Things only got worse after Tara's little incident in the elevator. It wasn't long after that, that he came back into view. When the Chandler case happened, then of course that there was that stunning moment only a few weeks later when I murdered the man she fell in love with, instead of me.

Yes it was self defense, yes he was going to kill me, and no I didn't have a choice. That doesn't mean if I were given a choice, if he hadn't come at me again I wouldn't have killed him anyway. That doesn't mean that I wasn't glad he was gone. Not because he was the man she was sleeping with instead of me. Not because she was falling in love with him instead of me. I could have dealt with all of that in my own time. It was because the woman I loved more then anything in the world, more then my own life, was being played, by that sonofabitch, and just because she didn't return my feelings didn't mean I was going to let her get hurt.

But that's the thing isn't it. The choices I made. The choice to fall in love with her. The choice before shipping out to sleep with her. The choice to kill the man she replaced me with. All of those choices led here, to this moment. To me admitting to you all these dirty little secrets that went on over the course of a really long year. Because of the choices I made. Confronting Rivkin, shooting Rivkin, shoved her back home. To him. Rivkin was an ass. Rivkin was using her. But he was worse. He knew that I loved her, and probably that she felt the same way about me. That's why he killed her, excuse me, sent her on a suicide mission.

So when Saleem asked, what it was that brought me here, bruised and battered, ready to die if need be; what made me volunteer myself and Agent McGee, and when I told him that "There's only one force on Earth that can short circuit a man's better instincts, put fire in his veins and make him dive head-long into danger without regard for his well being. Vengeance. I'm here to kill you." Up until the vengeance part the truth serum was working. Truthfully I was there to kill him, truthfully I was driven there, but not solely out of vengeance, I loved her. She was the only reason I would be driven all the way to Africa. Before she died I had no idea who this terrorist was. Didn't really care either who he was either. A lot of things changed after Ziva died.

Probie lay beaten on the floor. Awake, alive, all part of the plan. Why he agreed to go along with it I didn't know. I knew that Gibbs looked at Ziva like she was his daughter, and I well as I have already mentioned, I viewed her as a lover. Why Probie was here, loyalty maybe, but I wasn't sure. I was just biding my time till Gibbs was in place. Till he could do what I wish I could do, shoot the man who took away all that I loved.

Oh but even Gibbs wasn't getting to do that. Saleem may have killed her, but it was Eli that placed her in front of the firing squad as it where. When Saleem was taken care of, when I was healed up, I would be heading to Israel. To explain to him what he took away from me, and then to deal with him, the way I should when we were locked in that tiny room in Israel, during our 'conversation'.

Saleem had left the room, I was getting a moment to catch my breath, to plan my next phase, to hopefully not blurt it out in front of Probie, whom I am sure wouldn't go along as eagerly as he had with this mission. Saleem had left, I was gathering my thoughts, mourning my loss, planning my future. Not expecting what he would return with, my chance at redemption.

"How was your summer?" I asked.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N** I own none of these wonderful characters... this takes place some time after they return from Africa and before Ziva becomes a "probie", um RR please, and let me know I think I am finally starting to figure out where I am going (if that doesn't scare you nothing will)..... Bethany

Chapter 5

"Are we ever going to talk about it?"

It was late, I figured everyone had gone home, I should have known that Ziva would still be there to ambush me as I got on the elevator. Ziva, who currently had no purpose here at NCIS, she was no longer the liaison officer between Mossad and NCIS, she wasn't a citizen and therefore not an NCIS agent, just adrift in a sea of uneasiness.

I tried to play it off, like I didn't know what she was talking about, it wouldn't be long before we reached our destination and I could get out of the elevator and into my car and head home.

"I told you Ziva, I couldn't live without you." I said winking at her, hoping that would throw her off the track. Of course it didn't.

"That is not what I meant Tony, though I am sure your answer has something to do with not being able to live without me. Before, before Israel, before Michael, are we going to talk about that?"

"I am not sure what you are referring to Ziva." I barely got her name out as the Elevator car came to an abrupt stop, Ziva's hand hovering over the kill switch.

"Us, Tony, I am talking about us, and that night before, the night of Jenny's funeral, before you shipped off to be an Agent Afloat, and I went back to Israel."

"What's the point, Ziva? You went back to Israel, met Michael, the rest is relative history."

"I had a job to do, and I did it."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean. Sleeping with me was a job for you?"

"That is not what I meant."

"Look Ziva, it happened, and then you moved on, you met Michael, and you were happy, till I screwed that up too."

"What are you talking about?"

Maybe the torture was worse than I thought, I stared at her for a moment. Could it be that she doesn't remember why she went back to Israel this last time. Does she remember that night, the last night with me, and nothing before we found her in Somalia. I, we had always assumed that she remembered everything, now I wasn't so sure.

"You are speechless." She said.

"Um, uh, well don't you remember me shooting Michael in your apartment?" I asked, then paused and waited for the blows to start.

"Yes, why would I not remember that?" Now she looked confused.

"Well then." I wasn't sure how to continue.

"Michael was the job Tony. He never told you." Ziva looked perplexed. "Of course he never told you, if he had then you would not have come looking for me."

"Ziva you are not making any sense."

"Before Jenny's funeral. Director Vance called me up to his office, he told me about the case he was working on, that he needed to assign three new agents to Gibbs for his monitoring. He said that it would coincide with another issue they were having in Israel, with my father. They were worried that another incident like what happened with Ari was possible and they wanted me to go home to monitor, get to know better a Mossad officer by the name of Michael Rivkin, as far as everyone, my father included was concerned, I was to become Romantically interested in Michael, Director Vance assured me that would set things up for me to return to Israel on my father's behalf, to locate a terrorist training camp that the Navy was wanting to take out."

The revelation came as a shock to me. Vance never spoke of any of this. Neither had Gibbs if he had known, is that why he left her so eagerly back in Israel. I slammed my hand into the wall behind her pissed. Tired of being played, tired of playing these stupid mind games with first Director Sheppard, and now Director Vance. He had played me, played on my loyalty to Gibbs, played on my desire for Ziva. Somehow he must of have known how I felt about her, and he played me.

Fear danced behind her eyes for a moment, as anger danced in mine. It didn't take me too long to realize that I had, a chump like me had scared her. I backed off, to sulk and lick my wounds in the corner. Pissed at Vance, pissed a Gibbs, pissed at myself, but not at her, never at her.

"This is getting old." I said.

"I agree." Ziva said, looking in her eyes I knew she was still talking about that night, and my reluctance to talk about that night.

"I am so sick and tired of being played by these people. Did Gibbs know?"

She was thrown off for a moment, unsure what I was referring too, did Gibbs know we broke rule 12, are you kidding me Ziva, if Gibbs knew then Saleem probably would not have been all he took out in that dirty little interrogation room. Somehow I doubt very seriously Gibbs would take to kindly to knowing we broke rule 12.

"No," she recovered quickly "I don't guess Gibbs knew. I am sure if he did then he probably would never had let it get that far."

"So Saleem wasn't the plan."

"It was, but I don't think my being captured and tortured was."

Knowing Vance, it probably was. Then I wondered, was I? There was always a part of me, since the first time I saw her in the squad room that was attracted. You would have to be dead, or McGee not too be. Ziva, even when she first came to us, or in that small dirty room in Somalia was always beautiful, it was just something about her. Her strength, her well let's admit it, her smoking hot body. A little bruised and battered at times, but always beautiful. So maybe that too was part of his plan. Did Vance tell Ziva to send me off with a bang, so that I would go after her when the time came, or… Did any of that matter. Parts, of me were still fuzzy on the details of that night, there was a lot to drink, I am pretty sure, though not positive that we had sex, but regardless, if we had not had sex, I still would have gone to the ends of the earth and beyond for this woman, from the first day I met her, until today, none of that changed, it was just something about her. Yet, now I wondered, out loud.

"Where you playing me Ziva, was I part of the plan."

A tear formed in her eye. I had never seen Ziva cry, not once in all the time I had known her, yet here, now in Gibbs "office" she stood, not two feet away from me, silently confirming what I had feared as a tear streaked down her face, and she quickly averted her gaze unable to meet mine any longer.


	6. Chapter 6

**AN:** Sorry it took me so long, I am going to try to update chapter 7 by the end of the week, hope this is good, I kind of rushed it cause I felt bad about not updating in like ten years lol. Anyway R&R, and I will do my best to get a real chapter up by Friday.

Chapter 6

I must have been the one to press resume on the elevator. Neither of us spoke as it reached the ground floor and we departed. I don't know what is worse, being played by Ziva of falling for her all the same. Confirmation that she was playing me didn't wipe away the love I felt, or make it less so. I still loved her, I probably loved her all along, it just took me longer then it should have to sink in.

I did not talk to her at work the next day. Nothing beyond what was absolutely necessary to keep Gibbs and Probie off my back. She didn't speak that much to me also, what were we supposed to say to each other.

The silence went on for almost a week. When finally Gibbs caught me in the elevator.

"What the hell is going on?" He asked, he was pissed, or more pissed the usual.

"I don't know what you mean."

"Something is going on between you and Ziva. I don't care what it is, FIX IT. Or I will fix you."

The rest of our ride was in silence, I wasn't about to say anything, just silently thankful that he was not asking me any questions. Lying to Gibbs was out of the question, neither was telling him that I was conned into breaking rule 12.

"Tony." Ziva said walking up to my desk around three the same afternoon that Gibbs caught me in the elevator. "Gibbs wants us to go to Oceana and interview Sergeant Riggs' wife again."

How could I have missed Gibbs saying that he wanted me to go somewhere with Ziva. I had been avoiding those assignments, fairly well until today.

I stood up, grabbed my gear. "I am driving." I said, not waiting for her to pose an argument

"Did Gibbs really tell you that we were supposed to go do the interview at Oceana?"

"Yes, why would I lie about that?" Ziva asked.

"I just didn't hear him say that."

"He didn't, he sent me an e-mail."

"Gibbs sent you an e-mail?"

"Yeah I thought it was odd too."

Ziva reached over and switched the elevator off.

"We don't have time for this Ziva." I said, turning the elevator back on.

"When will we have time for it then Tony?"

"Probably never."

"Tony. I owe you an explanation."

"Explanation, yes, apology yes. But now is not the time, we need to focus on our work."

"How am I supposed to focus when you are treating me like the enemy."

I didn't answer her, choosing instead to walk ahead of her to the sedan in the parking lot. Getting in, I started up the car before she got to the passenger side. Oceana was a ways away, plenty of time to talk.

"First of all, Tony, when you asked if you were part of the plan. Yes. Not Vance's plan, but mine. I knew how you felt about me, I figured if I went over to your house and told you about what my father said, and about him threatening me then you would be the first to come to my rescue if something went wrong in Israel. I didn't think that we would sleep together."

I believed her, how crazy was that; I actually believed that she didn't go there to seduce me.

"Did sleeping with me change anything?" There was that girl in me coming out. I wanted it to change something, I wanted what we did to mean something to her.

"Of course it did."

"Then you met Michael."

"I told you already Michael was an assignment."

"Then why did you fall in love with him?"

"Why did you fall in love with Jeanne?"

That was a low blow.

"Agent David we are talking about you."

"Not about me as an Agent Tony. As a woman. I have pretended many times to be someone's girlfriend to get what I wanted. Part of that pretending is making other people that you are in love."

"Making me believe that you were in love with him."

"Especially you. My father finally saw my interest in someone who wasn't you. If you thought that I wasn't in love with Michael, if there was any chance that my father would figure out that I was playing him and Michael, let's just say he would not have allowed the terrorist a chance to kill me."

"Your father would have you killed."

"He ordered that I shoot Ari. His son, my half brother. You do not believe that he would be capable of having me killed if he thought that I was not loyal to Mossad. When I went home, I was loyal to Gibbs, to you, and to Vance. I was under Vance's orders. I knew the risks. That if my father found out I would most likely be killed. I had to play it for all it was worth. You especially had to believe that I was in love with another man. So that my father would not figure out what was going on, but also because a jealous you is a nosey you. I knew that if you thought I was with another man you would keep a closer eye on me, watch my back as it were."

"No wait, Gibbs killed Ari."

"Do you really believe that Tony?" Ziva asked. "Did it not occur to you that Gibbs and I had a closer relationship then he has had with a lot of the agents under his command. Eli ordered me to come here, to locate Ari, to make Gibbs ask me to watch his back during a meeting with Ari. Eli knew, I knew that Ari would kill Gibbs if he got the chance. Everything was set up, I was sent here to take him out, but it would do no good to do so with out Gibbs' presence, or involvement. I had to make him believe that it was his idea to kill Ari. Thus gaining his confidence and getting me securely into NCIS."

"So what you are saying is that you've been playing Gibbs, playing all of us this whole time."

"I played Gibbs to get into NCIS, but my loyalty has always been to you and him."

As I approached the gate, I wondered if she was telling the truth now. Coming clean to clean her conscience, or if she was playing me again to some other end.


	7. Chapter 7

**AN:**Thanks for the reviews. I decided to give them a case, um kind of threw this chapter into the middle of a made up case, a Sergeant stationed at Oceana disappears and at the same time 500,000 shows up in his checking out, go team Gibbs. But I want them going back and forth from Oceana and the Navy Yard, arguing about their problems and generally making Gibbs life so miserable that even he hopes they break Rule 12 soon just so they will get back to being their usual wonderful old selves... um keep reading, if this chapter doesn't jive let me know. Thanks for the reviews keep them coming, hope to redeem Ziva to those of you who think she is evil.

Chapter 7

"Thank you again, Mrs. Riggs, you have been very helpful. If we hear anything we will let you know." I said, backing out of the doorway, Ziva was already sitting in the driver's seat. I groaned, this could not be good. I just wanted to get back to the office file our follow up then hightail it to the closest bar and get wasted, forget all about this horrible day and our wonderful conversation. Although my plan did include me making it there in one piece.

"I thought we could grab dinner and maybe a movie and talk some more." She said as an explanation for her wanting to drive.

"That doesn't explain why you want to kill me just getting back to the Navy Yard."

"If I drive we will get there in half the time." Ziva said, "you type up the report, I will drive we will print it when we get there and turn it into Gibbs then we can go get some dinner and talk some more."

"First of all Ziva, I can't type that fast, and second of all, all is not forgiven. I don't want to have dinner with you, I don't want to talk about it."

"Well I do. Tony you were my best friend, and I lost that. I just want a chance to get it back."

"I've changed. A lot has changed, and I am sorry Ziva but I don't think we can go back and just be our old selves."

The words hurt so much to say. I couldn't believe they actually left my mouth. She hit the gas as soon as we cleared the gate. I didn't type. I didn't say a word too her the entire trip back to the Navy yard or on the way up the elevator to the squad room.

"That was fast." Gibbs said as we approached our desks. "Did you get done what you needed done?"

"No sir." Ziva said.

What the hell we got the interview what was she talking about.

"I'll write up the report Ziva, if you have other things to do." I said sitting down at my desk.

"She'll help you. Tony we are still a team, and until you can start acting like a team player again, well let's just say it's in your best interest to start acting like a team player again." Gibbs said.

Like any of this was my fault. This was shit. She used me, and it's my fault because I don't just want to play along like everything's okay.

"What did Rigg's wife have to say?" Gibbs asked, pulling me out of my misery.

"Just the same as before. She had no idea about the money. She wasn't allowed to touch the check book, or have a debit card. He gave her cash to spend, paid all the bills himself, had them mailed to a PO box, and she assumed when he was deployed that the bills were paid automatically. She claims to not have any idea where the money came from, or where her husband's gone." Ziva said.

"Boss, I am just wondering, if he was the one ripping off the system, how come he left and left half a million in his checking account." I said.

"Uh yeah DiNozzo that's what we are all wondering. McGee, go back over the computer systems with Abby find me a trail, isn't that what you do. Ziva go talk to Rigg's CO, bring him in if you have to. DO NOT harm him, take DiNozzo with you."

What the hell, it would not take the two of us to bring this guy in. If it did, why didn't Gibbs go with her? For someone who touts these rules, he sure seems to be pushing rule twelve a lot, getting us together as much as possible to "talk" about our problems, when our problem lies in my just wanting to get her back into bed, but not for the reasons she got me there in the first place.

That's when it hit me, somewhere between my desk and the elevator, that Ziva was the first woman I didn't want to just have sex with. I looked sideways at her. I didn't want to talk about it. Talking, having her admit she used me just made me angry. I still loved her, I still wanted her, wanted to be with her, but I sure as hell did not want to hear an explanation of how she used me.

"I am driving this time Ziva. There and back. Although your driving might loosen him up a bit, get him to tell us what he knows about Riggs."

"You drive, you listen. I want to work this out."

Which was worse having to "talk" to Ziva or having her drive? I yielded the keys. Maybe my theory of her driving really would loosen his lips. Better yet maybe it would kill me, and then at least I wouldn't have to feel like I was getting stabbed in the heart every time she tried to explain why she used me.

Back on our way to Oceana. Why couldn't we have picked him up while we were here the first time today, and what was with Gibbs' question about did you get what you needed to get done? Did we solve the case? No. But some how I knew that wasn't what he meant.

"Is Gibbs going to keep sending us back to Oceana on errands about this case till we work something out?" I asked.

"Until the case is solved I imagine."

"The answer to this case isn't at Oceana. It's in the computer records in Abby's lab. Her and McGee are going to solve this, Gibbs is just wasting our time."

"Can I be there when you tell him that?" Ziva asked.

"What did he mean when he asked if we had accomplished what we were supposed to?"  
"I imagine he was asking if we figured out where Riggs was."


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: **OMG thank you all for the reviews, I love hearing feed back, or in the case reading it. I decided that I had to jumb on the JETLAG spoilers and write abou what would have happened in my alt. universe if they went to Paris given their current state of pissed off-ness at one another. So the is part one of the JETLAG episode, the part we didn't see before Tony got to the Cafe, up part two will probably start before the Cafe pick up where this one leaves off, might touch on a couple incidents from the Episode but then go on after the last shot, that will be Chapter Nine and Ten, and so this is kind of goofy chapter but I am curious to see what you all think so with out any thing further from me here is Chapter 8, Thank you and good night, don' forget to R&R, flames are okay cause I am not really sure I like this one.

Chapter 8

After the Riggs case was solved and our problems weren't Gibbs or Vance, possibly both conspired to send Ziva and I to Paris. PARIS! Like what the hell were they thinking, then to top it off there was only one stinking room, we had to share. The Gods have a sense of humor. I didn't talk to Ziva the whole flight there, had no intention of talking to her once we got to the motel room either, and had already decided to take the couch.

"I have not been to Paris in a long time." She said when we got to the hotel. "Would you like to, there is a wonderful restaurant, I used to go to. I would love to share it with you."

I was hungry, and tired from the flight, and wore down from fighting. I agreed.

The restaurant was fabulous. The food was the best French food ever, Ziva ordered in French a bottle of wine, which I knew would just get us into trouble. After the restaurant we walked slowly back to the motel, neither of us saying a word to one another, just enjoying the company.

"We should talk about it." Ziva said.

"I'll sleep on the couch." I pretended that's what she was talking about.

"Tony, when I made love to you I never expected it to be a onetime thing, or to hurt you." We stopped under a Paris street light, she looked beautiful, or maybe it was just the wine.

"We are not going to have what Jenny and Gibbs had." I said finally.

"No, we are not." She agreed.

Part of me was relieved. Part of me was devastated. I wanted to taste her skin again, feel her under me, feel her riding me, without the aid of alcohol though.

That's when it happened; she leaned in closer, put her arms around my neck and pulled me down for a kiss. It wasn't the friendly kind of kiss a co-worker might give another, it was passionate, she pulled me in and I felt our tongues touch a shiver went down my back, as we fought for dominance in the kiss. Pulling away when we needed more oxygen she spoke up.

"We will not have what they had, we will figure out away to have more. I want you in my life; I want you in every part of my life, every second. I want to fall asleep in your arms, and wake up to see your smiling face."

"Rule 12?" I asked.

"Screw Gibbs and his rules. I will leave, once I am a citizen I will leave NCIS if that is the only way I can be with you, but I do not think even Gibbs would let it come to that."

"We should go up to the room, I think people are noticing." I said, noticing our still close embrace, I didn't want her to move away, but I also didn't want to have this conversation half drunk on the sidewalk with her.

"We can go up to the room, when you admit that you want us to be together too. When you admit to wanting to wake up next to me every morning for the rest of your life."

So that's it, all I have to do to get to go up to my room is tell this crazy assassin that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. She had to be nuts. It's not that I didn't love her, I loved her very much, more so then I had ever loved another person. After all she did to me though I wasn't sure I could stand here and say, those words to her.

I might have paused to long. Ziva was staring in my eyes the whole time, before I could open my mouth she backed up took my hand and led me toward the entrance of our motel. I stayed mute through the lobby and for the motel ride up to our room. I didn't say a word to her when we walked through the door, instead I opted to go grab a pillow and the extra blanket so that I could sleep on the couch, walking back out of the room though she stopped me in the doorway.

Ziva placed her thin finger against the lips she had moments before been kissing, then spoke. "I am sorry, Tony I know that I have put you through hell, but I will not live without you in my life, and I will not sleep another night without you in my bed. We do not have to make love. But please hold me."

She had a tear in her eye. She ought to know by now that she could make me do anything with a simple tear in her eye. I took her hand and returned the pillow and blanket to the bed. Then I helped her sit down on the edge. Taking off my jacket, dress shirt, and slacks I laid them out over the chair in just my boxers I walked back over to where Ziva was sitting, then bent over and cupped her face in my hands, stroking her cheeks, I leaned over and kissed her with all the passion I had felt down stairs with all the love that I could not begin to form words for. Her hand came up and ran along my bicep, while her other hand snuck around the back of my head pulling me into the kiss even more.

I eased her down onto the bed, running my hand along her sweater, cupping her breast through the thin wool. I felt it harden, along with my member. I ran my hand further down then let it slide up her sweater until I touched her bra, she moaned into my mouth, then the next thing I knew I was lying flat on my back and she still clad in her jeans and sweater was straddling my erection that was pressing hard against my boxers, she rubbed against me, then leaned over and whispered in my ear.

"Not tonight Tony, not in Paris, when we get home, I want you to be sober."

That did it. I was sober enough to know that I would need a cold shower.


	9. Chapter 9

**AN:** First I want to thank WonderfullyDreaming, for the use of her wonderful editing skills, with out her help I would still be waiting to post Chapter 9, and then I have to sincerely appologize for my lateness with this chapter, I have had a terrible case of writers block, plus Jack Knife was the last episode I watched, so I have no idea what's going on. This switch to Digital, really starting to tick me off, but other then that. I do appologize and unfortunately if I can't work through this writers block it will probably be a while before I get to update again. If you all have suggestions, ideas, queries, questions, or a solution to my Digital tv problems I would love to hear them, cause I want to finish this story and not leave you all hanging like I did with White Roses... Thanks a million for your patience.

Chapter 9

When I got out of my shower Ziva was sitting on the bed wearing a very revealing black night gown. This had to be her way at getting back at me for the silent treatment I had been giving her for the last few weeks. I started to feel like that would be my first of many shower's that night. Ziva had hung my suit up folded my under shirt and placed it on top of the night stand, her clothing was also neatly folded and placed on the night stand, she was rubbing lotion on her legs.

"I take it you don't want a shower?"

"No, I will take one when I get up in the morning." She said, I reached out for the pillow and blanket, figuring if she was sleeping in that I was definitely sleeping on the couch. "I meant what I said earlier Tony. I want to make love to you, but I don't want you thinking that this is anything like what Jenny and Gibbs had. This is us, our relationship, not theirs. I also don't want everytime we make love to be because we are drunk and not thinking straight."

"Ziva, it was one bottle of wine that we didn't even finish. I doubt either of us is drunk."

"Can we just sleep together tonight, hold me. It's been a long time since I have been able to sleep through the night. Maybe if you are here the night mares won't be so bad."

"Ziva. If you are planning on wearing that to sleep in I doubt that I will be able to control myself."

"Well try for me okay."

How could I turn that down? How could I ever tell her no about anything? I sat down on the edge of the bed. Then slid under the cover, she did the same and then over closer to me, I felt a stirring in my groin and tried to suppress it. The memory of McGee in that elf costume he wears for Halloween should do the trick.

It didn't of course I was up all night tossing and turning, and lying on my side watching her sleep. She looked peaceful; I don't think that I have ever seen her looking so peaceful. The lack of sleep was worth it.

About five I got up and left her a note on the end table telling her that I was going to get some pictures before we had to pick up our charge and be at the airport for the flight home that I would meet her at the Café before we had to board the plane.

All through Paris I kept thinking about how this was where Jenny and Gibbs fell in love and now after all the shit we had been through in the last year plus that now Ziva and I finally had a chance to make something work, so why was I dragging my feet?

It was somewhere around the Eifel tower that I made up my mind, she was worth it, the pain the heartache the worry, she was worth the risk. Never before in my life had I met someone who was so worth the risk that Ziva was, if she wanted to make this work. Then she was worth getting fired over, or worse if Gibbs found out. Somehow the idea of breaking rule 12 kept me up nights with night terrors. But she was worth the night terrors if I could just kiss those lips again, or feel her skin against mine. I would tell her this and more when we were back stateside, when the romance of Paris had worn off. I would tell her all this and hope for the best, because if it didn't work out then I would have to tell Gibbs just so he would put me out of my misery.

The flight back to America was eventful to say the least. Does it make me less of a man to let the woman I love constantly safe my pathetic ass? Probably if the woman I loved was anything less than a Ninja. All being said we made it to America, disembarked the plane and had to break the news to Pollyanna that her fiancé was the one who hired the hit man.

Then I watched as Ziva lied to McGee and said that was in fact her who slept on the couch in Paris. How would McGee have felt to know we shared a bed even though nothing happened? Didn't matter because there was no way he was ever going to find out.

Then we went home, to my home, together in my car. Since I picked up Ziva before we flew to Paris no one thought of anything that after filling out our paperwork in the office we would drive home together. Of course they might have felt differently had they known we would be driving to my home.

Walking inside it felt right, not weird and uncomfortable like one might imagine but like we belonged together.

Of course things got odd once we got back to the office the next day. McSnoop acted like he knew something was up. He kept making snide comments and sly hints, and one time I was sure he was saying something to Gibbs because when I entered the squad room he turned and sat back at his desk like an innocent puppy. Of course when that ** Werth showed up and we had to investigate that illigal trucking business. I swear the way Gibbs was acting, McGee defintely had said something to him. Not that I had time to deal with Gibbs wanting to kill me as I had my own priorities. One of them was defintely wanting to kill Weath, the way he acted towards Ziva and that 'see you later' crap. She was mine, I mean... not to be possesive but that's how it's always been. The two of us. I wasn't about to share her with him nor anyone else for that matter. Defintely not playing nice with him completely either after he broke my damn nose.


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: **Once again I could not have possibly done this with out the amazing editing skills of WonderfullyDreaming, without you this story wouldn't be half as good as it is, when I read this edit I was like she should be writing cause she is good. Thank you again, to my readers I do apologize for taking so long, I still haven't seen an episode since I suffered through Jetlag on (suffered because my computer had to stop every ten seconds to load, it took three hours to watch the forty-five minute episode.) But I have Season Seven on Pre-order from and once I get it I will be updating more frequently, if I messed up any of the details of the season I do appologize but this is a work of fiction after all and should only just barely resemble the actual show. Thanks for reading and reviewing.

**Chapter 10**

We hit a stalemate after Paris. More like a **major** roadblock. Worth didn't help, the way she was practically drooling all over him, like Paris never even happen, like **we** didn't happen, like the fact that some Marine who broke my nose –definitely not getting over that- could so easily replace me in her bedroom and everywhere else intimately close to her. I didn't go over there for awhile, more for fear of seeing him in her apartment then of being outwardly rejected, and all those promises I made myself in Paris went to the wayside.

None of it mattered anyway, we had cases to solve and lives to live, this wasn't a soap opera this was NCIS a federal agency and the more I thought of her with Worth, or anyone else for that matter, the more I realized why rule #12 was so important to Gibbs.

Gibbs ironically is what made me see things differently. When things went south in a big way down in Mexico and Vance ordered us to collect evidence, the thought of losing one of our own again; of losing Gibbs is what brought us full circle, and yeah we got him back, in body if not in spirit, but it was that whole fiasco that led me to her door step that rainy May evening.

"_I love you."_ The words were out of my mouth before my foot was in the door. For a moment I resisted the urge to look around to see who had spoken, I was sure it wasn't me. Months of antagonizing over that very moment and I blurt it out like telling the team it's time to go, because we have another case.

She just opened the door further and allowed me to step in, she didn't say a word, she didn't leap into my arms in adulation of what I had just uttered either, and my heart fell to the floor.

Silently she redirected me to her couch and then she went into the kitchen and returned moments later with a couple beers. Still neither of us had spoken since that idiot uttered those three words in her doorway.

I opened her beer and then opened mine, and took a good long swig of it while I waited for her to say something, anything that resembled a response to my declaration. Finally when we had finished our beers and the silence became almost painful, she spoke.

"I waited for you all afternoon after we got back from Paris, to come by and talk." She said slowly. "I waited through so many cases, and so many instances for you to come and say something, anything." Tears had formed in her eyes, and my heart began to break. "I waited, for you to tell me that for so long Tony, I just didn't realize that you were waiting for me to become an American." A small tear slid down her cheek as I stared at her, trying to make her look at me as she looked down at her empty beer bottle. "I should have known that you could never love someone who was an outsider, a non-American, that you couldn't love me until I took my citizenship test, but Tony what you don't realize is that I am not any more as an American now then I was when I fell in love with you." "The only difference now is that legally I can stay in this country, as before I was only here until someone decided to send me home." "I could love you then," Ziva hesitated before continuing, her eyes welling up with tears again. "But I don't think I can love you now."


	11. Chapter 11

**AN: **Some very explicit material at the end of this chapter, sorry if it's not your cup of tea. I will be posting another chapter 12 without that kind of stuff in a week or so if you want to read till when it gets raunchy then skip over that part. Again thanks to my Beta for all her help and editing without that this wouldn't be possible. Thank you WonderfullyDreaming, and thanks to everyone for your reviews.

**Chapter 11**

That evening when I got back to my apartment I thought of all the ways that I was going to tell Gibbs that I broke rule 12, just so he could put me out of my misery, her words echoing in my head… _"But I don't think I can love you now."_ How could I be so stupid, every time we had to deal with foreigners, I had made a big deal out of it, of course she would assume because it took me this long to tell her, that it had to do with her citizenship test. I didn't know whether or not to give up, tell Gibbs and let him fire me, or go back and explain until I got through to her and that this had nothing to do with whether or not she was an American and everything to do with all the ways she has made me fall in love with her from the first time we met...

Which is how I ended up less then ten hours later back on her doorstep; I think that Ziva was as surprised as I was when she answered the door.

"Let's get something straight right from the beginning, I didn't go to Africa hoping to find you, I went there intending to die, and figuring that if Saleem didn't kill me then my next step was to go confront Eli, let him know what he took away from me, let him know that even though I was a _gentile _that no one would ever love you as much as I could, because when they told us you died, so did I." I continued not allowing any interruptions because I wanted her to know everything. "I crawled so far into that bottle that it is a miracle that I ever came back out. Yes I came up with the idea to go to Saleem's stronghold I didn't know that Gibbs was going to kill Saleem, I figured either I would be able to and thus confront your father, or he would kill me and I would be able to at least be with you in death." Things I did not think I would ever say to someone came rushing out of my mouth. I looked at Ziva.

The shock registered on her face as she tried to take in what I was saying.

"If this were true Tony you would have said something sooner." Ziva tried arguing her point again.

"When? When you were fawning over Werth just days after we got back from Paris? He is everything I'm not."

"He isn't the man I fell in love with five years ago."

I think her words shocked her as much as they did me. Ziva's been in love with me for five years and yet she was mad at me for not saying anything to her? This was complete and utter shit, where is it written that I had to be the one to speak up first, where is it written that I had to be the one to tell her how I felt, why couldn't she have told me.

"So what I am the only one who could say that. That you couldn't say something sooner, tell me how you felt; do you think that maybe if you had gotten off your high horse years ago and told me how you felt that maybe things could be different right now, we wouldn't be having this damn fight, we could be doing something else right now." She knew what I meant by something else.

I felt the smack across my face before it registered, that last night two years ago in my apartment, that night when I took advantage of her. That night when she told me: "_it's not who I spend time with outside of work that worries him. It's who I might fall in love with. It's who I might want to spend the rest of my life with. It's who I might want to father my children with,"_ how could I tell this beautiful although slightly psychotic woman that the only way I could survive after that night was to push it as far out of my mind as I could and just pretend that it never happened. The tears running down her face told me that perhaps for the first time in my life I had screwed up worse than ever before and there was no coming back from it.

"Ziva." I started slowly. "I can't lose you. I loved you that night, I have loved you every night since then, and I fell in love with you the moment you asked if I was having phone sex, how could I not." "When I saw you standing there, I was trying so hard to be cool. You were beautiful then and have only grown even more beautiful. You made me jittery and I am never like that around anyone. I remember every little thing you have said over the last five years, I play them over in my head knowing that each time I do I will only love you a little more, and as hard as I tried two years ago when you told me that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me I tried to block it out because I didn't think after that night I would have ever seen you again, let alone been able to be with you in that way." "Now you are here, you are in America, Eli can't touch you, and if he did or even thought of trying I would kill him for you. I didn't come by here to tell you that I was in love with you because you were an American, but because now for the first time in my life I realized that if I lost you again, like we almost lost Gibbs… well if that happened I wouldn't come back from it, I can't _live_ without you. I just want you to understand that I would do anything to have you love me the way that you did that night, and know that no matter what, Somalia, Rivkin, all of that crap, I never stopped loving you, never stopped wanting you, for us to be together."

She didn't say anything for a few moments the tears just kept streaming down her face but I know she was listening.

"He knew. Eli, knew that we had been together that night. When I got back to Israel he called me into his office and told me that he knew, and that he would deal with the problem. He sent me on that undercover mission to Morocco. Tony, I" she hesitated for a moment "don't know, I think he knew that they were going to bomb that building, I think I was sent there to die for my sins."

More than ever now I wanted to confront Eli. Ziva was a grown woman, how dare he condemn her for her choice. Falling in love is no one's choice we go in blindly, that's what makes love so great. Instead of putting my fist through a wall, I pulled her into my arms.

"Can't we just go back to that night, and live our lives like the last two years never happened, be happy and together. Don't we owe each other that much at least." I whispered. Her response surprised me… "That would be nice." For the first time we let go of every little inhibition.

It started with a slow sweet kiss, our tongues barely touching, then stroking at each other, it quickly turned passionate. Dueling for control, my hand slid down her arm and casually brushed against her breast, when I felt no resistance I moved back up and over to cup her breast through her shirt, squeezing in lightly and then twisting her nipple until she moaned low in the back of her throat. Our kiss ended and she pushed up against me, her jeans rubbing against my erection, eliciting a groan from me.

"I want to make love to you Ziva David, but this time I don't want it to be a one night thing. Tell me," I whispered harshly, running my hand down and cupping her through her jeans, then pushing up ever so slightly letting some of the dampness seep through "that this won't be a one night thing, that I can make love to you all day today and again tomorrow, and for the rest of my life."

Her breath caught as I continued to rub through her jeans where I knew her clit would be pressed. "I don't want to make love."

Her response startled me into stopping. Then she continued, pushing herself up against me and lifting a leg up hooking it around my back so that through our jeans our most intimate of places were now rubbing together. "Tony today I want you to have sex with me wildly until I can't see straight, and then after that we can make love."

It was all I could do to push her away enough to get her jeans off then we were back together the sweet kissing gone now it was all about fighting for dominance. With her jeans on a pool in her hallway I moved to slip my hand down her panties, finding her wet center I slipped a finger in and started to mimic what my tongue was doing with her mouth to her lower region, letting her know this is what I would soon be doing with my hard member.

We made it somewhat miraculously to the couch before I lost my jeans my erection straining hard against my boxers, my fingers now two plunging repeatedly into her moist center, eliciting moans of satisfaction as we fell backward onto the couch, somehow she managed to free me from my boxers and went to work, running her thumb first over the tip I stopped the thrust of my hand when she brought her thumb up and licked the juice off of it. With that I lost it, yanking her panties down and off of her I pushed one hard thrust and I was buried in to the hilt, the sensation alone of being inside the most beautiful woman I ever laid eyes on was enough to be my undoing, how could I have ever blocked this out of my mind.

For a moment I had to stay still, adjusting to her wet core throbbing around me, but the moment was too long for her and with a grunt she rolled us over, and then leaning down she whispered in the sexiest voice "I prefer it on top." With that she began to move, and I met her every thrust with one of my own, the sounds of her labored breathing and moans, with as tight as she was I knew I couldn't last very long. Reaching down, I started playing with her clit, she had to cum, and I wanted to feel her orgasm around me. Then she screamed out my name, her walls clutching at me, as I rode her orgasm out, releasing myself within her.

Panting, I closed my eyes, only to open them seconds later and find myself alone, drenched in sweat in my own apartment, having just had the most remarkable sexual dream. I rolled over onto my side and hit the alarm clock that was beeping, then checked my watch that had the date stamped in the corner to make sure that it really was the next day, that I hadn't gone to Ziva's, that we hadn't made love. Sure enough all of that was a dream. Closing my eyes I cursed out loud, realizing what I had lost. Our argument coming back to me, and of course the dream was realistic because my sick mind was reminding me what it felt like that night on my couch before I left to go do four months on the Seahawk. Then like a wave of Nausea it hit me, _It's who I might fall in love with. It's who I might want to spend the rest of my life with…_ If I had been a real man two years ago, then Ziva and I would have been together this whole time. The whole Africa thing wouldn't have happened. We could have just been happy. If I had said screw it to Vance and found her and told her that I would do anything even face down her father. Now I was laying here drenched in sweat, the dream of the previous night still in my head. The memory of what it was like to be inside my Ziva still in my heart and my head and knowing that for all those missed chances, all those times when I used humor to hide that I was in love with my partner, all those hurtful things I had said and done over the last few years, to hide the fact that I knew when I boarded the Ronald Reagan for the short three weeks prior to the Seahawk, that I essentially was giving up the only woman who would ever mean anything to me, and for what, for a career that now didn't seem worth it.


	12. Final Chapter

Chapter 12

I couldn't go to work. I couldn't call in. Gibbs already figured that I had screwed the pooch. I was sure that he knew how many times I broke his precious rule #12 and also with whom. Part of me wanted to just go over to his basement so that I could get the tongue lashing over with. But I knew Gibbs, it wasn't worth it if you knew it was coming was his philosophy. So I would have to go to work and wait patiently for him to get really pissed at me. I wondered if Ziva would go in. Maybe she would and pretend that I hadn't blown the best thing that ever happened to me.

Walking into the squad room I could tell by the deathly silence that everything wasn't okay. Gibbs was not at his desk, but as lately that wasn't odd. McGee was sitting behind his computer. Quiet and not even huffing on his coffee, a sight I had become accustomed to over the last seven years; Ziva wasn't at her desk. A desk that was normally orderly seemed even cleaner than before. I looked questioningly at McGee.

"I don't know what happened." McGee said without being prompted. "Ziva called Vance and Gibbs last night and requested the opening out in Los Angeles." "I didn't even know that there was an opening out in LA."

Ziva hated LA, almost as much as I hated Arizona, though not for the same reasons.

"Is she already gone?" I asked.

"She's downstairs talking to Abby right now."

"Where's Gibbs?"

McGee shrugged, if he knew he wasn't going to say.

Why did it matter? Chances were if I told Gibbs now about breaking rule 12 he would have one of us transferred, probably me to the Antarctic. I turned back around and headed to the elevator. This was ridiculous I wasn't going to let Ziva leave again. There was no way. As luck would have it when the elevator door opened Ziva was already in it, I grabbed her arm and kept her from getting off, then stepping in, I hit the button to go back to the ground floor and once the elevator started moving, I hit the emergency switch and then turned to look at her. At this point she hadn't said anything, either about me stopping her or the fact that my hand was on her arm.

"Are you seriously thinking about leaving?" I asked.

"It's done I am leaving. I just got done explaining why to Abby, if you want an explanation you speak with her." She said calmly, not looking me straight in the eye.

"No! I don't think so." "I love you, I do Ziva. I knew from the first moment we met. Yeah I screwed up. Yeah I should have said something sooner. If I could go back and change it I would have followed you to Israel and told you after that night we spent together."

"The night that meant so much to you that you never spoke of it again?" She asked with tears welling in her eyes.

"I tried. I tried so hard to forget it. I meant what I said in Somalia, loosing you almost killed me. I knew then, hell I knew before then that I loved you but I couldn't tell you that. What would be the sense? You probably would have thought I was nuts and besides you had Mossad to think about, and Eli, and I was weak. I didn't think that I could stand up to either of those, to fight for what I wanted, what I needed, what _I_ knew was right. I have always been a chump; I never thought I was good enough for you Ziva. I didn't think I was the kind of man, who could take care of you. Yet I love you more then I have ever loved anyone. You're the only one I've ever truly loved. All I can hope is that you can love me somehow in the same way even if I couldn't keep you safe."

"Safe?" She exclaimed. "Tony, who saved me from Saleem? Who had to the courage to drag me back from hell? Not Gibbs. Not even my own father. No one had the courage or determination like you did. You followed me into hell and brought me back. Yet you are worried that you can't keep me safe? That you are just a chump? You are more of a man then anyone I have ever met." The tears that had welled up in Ziva's eyes were flowing down her cheeks now.

"Then don't run away, believe me when I tell you that I love you more than anyone in the world, and want just one chance to make you feel half as happy as you make me."

Ziva cracked a smile, "why not twice as happy?"

"Don't go to LA, stay here with me. Give me another chance. Believe me when I tell you that I won't screw this one up." I said pleading one last time.

"Oh I highly doubt that" Ziva said the smile now covering her face, "I know you will screw up again because that's who you are, but I will always forgive you." With that she leaned up and kissed me on my cheek then hit the button for the elevator to start back up again, stopping at the ground floor and pressing the button to return to the squad room. "What in heaven's name would make you think I would transfer to LA? You know I hate it there."

I was confused until we stepped out of the elevator, to McGee, Abby, and a not so happy Gibbs; with a resound thwack on the back of my head he spoke so only I could hear "keep it out of the office DiNozzo."

**THE END…**


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